Friendship

The most common social bond

Friendship is the most common social bond, the most variable, and the most durable. And we routinely miss its importance. Every year some young journalist interviews a couple celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary and asks the obvious question: What's the secret of such a long marriage? And the couple always give the same answer: we're good friends. For all the passion of sex and romance, and all the drama of emotional intimacy, we need to rediscover the bedrock of any durable relationship: they like each other.

Sometimes we assume that if we are in love, surely friendship is included in that broader bond. Many couples find their marriages stumbling in the first 2-4 years; I suspect many are discovering that despite their romantic passion, they do not like each enough to spend evening after evening after evening after evening together. Life cannot be a string of Saturday night dates; friendship is the bond that constitutes the majority of their relationship together.

Friendships are not all alike; there is a substantial variety. This article explores the different levels — from the most transitory to the most durable — in our general sense of friendship.

Armed with these simple ideas, you can understand not only why some friendship collapse under their own weight, but also why the friendship within a romantic relationship is sometimes the real source of strength, and sometimes the point of real vulnerability.

Supposedly genuine friendship among males is so rare that when it does occur, it is a literary event. While that situation may be overstated today, it remains one of the most common observations of gender differences that male friendships seem different than female friendships. 

Ever since the movie When Harry Met Sally became famous, people have wondered if men and women can ever be good friends without the distracting (or corrupting) intrusion of sexual tension.