Talks and Workshops

Continuing the conversations

Over the last 30 years I have spoken on all manner of topics to the students of Stanford University, deAnza, Foothill, Santa Clara University, as well as adults around the country.

This is a collection of the presentations I enjoy. I believe they are useful first for the content, and secondly just for opening up the conversation about relationships that is so lacking in our culture. The most rewarding part of any presentation is hearing about the debates that were sparked for weeks afterwards.

In the area of relationships, many of us are starving to death in a land of plenty. We are so uncertain of how to create what we want, that we learn to settle for what we have. We are so confused by the lessons of our past that we hesitate to strike out into new territory. And we fail to realize that everyone else is just as uncertain, just as confused, and just as hungry.

Flirting is not just an adolescent hobby; it is an essential element of the adult relationship "kit bag". Even long-standing couples need to know how to provoke romance and sensuality. This talk explores the "rules" for good flirting and how to pick the level that will best serve the relationship. It turns out that these rules are the same ones we need for a variety of key events in an intimate relationship.

The fairy tales we all grew up with seemed to imply that the real challenge in relationships was finding "the one", and then everything would flow naturally and easily. In reality, of course, the tale just begins right about where the fairy tale leaves off.

This talk explores the essential nature of intimate relationships, and why they pose lifelong challenges. You can download the slides and speakers notes from here.

Across the lifespan of a relationship, few topics will be as difficult to manage well as sexuality. It will create a challenge for our communication skills whether it is the infamous "third date" or your thirtieth anniversary.

How do we negotiate meanings? Deal with differences in desire? Blend conflicting styles? Managing the effects of medication? Deal with aging bodies? How do you ask for what you want? The list is endless ... and fascinating.

This presentation uses roleplays and discussion to explore how to communicate more smoothly on some of the tough topics around sexuality in complex relationships.
 

In our typically dichotomous Western style of thought, we imagine all young adult relationships must fall into one or two camps: friends or lovers. What if there is a category in the middle? Let's call it 'frivers', just so we have a name. This talk considers the broad range of relationships that do not fit into neat categories. Just as there is an honorable and reasonable conduct for friends and lovers, we can define the rules of being good frivers. 

Humans clearly have no trouble having sex (otherwise we wouldn't have 6 billion people fighting an AIDS epidemic), but love making is another matter. Sex is hard wired, but love making is an acquired skill. One is hardware; the other is software. Sex leads to physical satisfaction; love making leads to emotional connection. This presentation explores what it takes to make the difference.

When we fall in love, we sometimes find that our beloved is not playing by the same rules. It is a shock to realize that you are responding to different themes and expectations.

However painful, it should not be surprising. In fact, there are half a dozen different "rule sets" for romance floating around in our culture.

Often the key to starting a successful romance is finding a common set of assumptions and expectations. This talk outlines the different rules and how the differences between them can create fatal traps for new lovers.

For young adults who are just starting to "date" there is a confusing set of expectations and beliefs that often make the first date into an ordeal rather than a delight.

This talk uses dramatic re-enactment of cultural stereotypes to explore the themes and issues in our notions of how we find each other and start something interesting. It is especially powerful for a dorm or youth group since it makes the process of dating a topic of open discussion.

We often blame the players when intimacy fails; it would make more sense to question the game. Our culture treats "closeness" as if it were a homogeneous bond which waxes or wanes depending on the commitment or integrity of the people involved. In reality 'closeness' is a collection of bonds, which are only partially congruent with each other. A complex relationship is a mixture of different dimensions of closeness, and the elusive talent is being able to move smoothly between them and keep the whole mix alive despite the internal contradictions.

This presentation uses didactive material and roleplay demonstrations to define the essential nature of friendship and emotional intimacy. The other common dimensions (sex and romance) are also considered briefly.