The Well Tempered Heart

Sustaining friendship, romance, and emotional intimacy

Complex relationships are a blend of different layers or components. And they come in all possible combinations! A couple might be friends, but not lovers; and some are lovers but (sadly) not friends. Sometimes we have sex but we have none of the feelings of lovers.

But don't we all hope to find at least one person with whom we could have all four!

When relationships stumble, we often imagine the difficulty is personality problems, weak motivation or even emotional incompetence. But we forget that

sometimes the problem is in the game, and not in the players.

The problem in the game is that the different layers of a relationship are not internally consistent or integrated; being a 'good lover' does not necessarily make you a 'good friend'. Being a good friend will not always make someone fall in love with you (just in case you forgot). Romantic intensity does not automatically lead to emotional intimacy. Just because you are 'in love', you may not automatically have great sex. Often the real challenge of a complex relationship is navigating the various components and moving between them smoothly. And often the task feels like the mythical Gordian knot!

This site explores these issues from an abstract perspective. If your real interests are more about salvaging an existing -- and struggling -- relationship, then I invite you to consider working with Susan Scott Hennings, licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Santa Clara, California. Her website will provide ample information on what it means to be in therapy.

This web site explores each of these 4 components, but our strongest focus is on friendship and emotional intimacy. If you attend to those components, the romance and sexuality will be infinitely easier. If you allow the friendship and emotional intimacy to atrophy, there is no hope for the rest. Click here to see a graphical table of contents for the whole site.